It’s been 4 days sinse I decided to start holding up in this house and I may have struck gold. I’m not sure what happened here, probably nothing more than happened everywhere else really, but whatever it was, whoever lived here left in a HURRY. There’s enough food and supplies to keep me going for a couple weeks probably. All the stores in the area are picked clean obviously but some of the houses still have stuff in them.
Now that “the world” ended some time ago now, thing are starting to settle down. The looting and the panic and the mass relocation have passed and now all there is left to do is survive until society can be rebuilt, if it even can be. Finding the house and supplies has given me some small glimmer of hope, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a chance.
I found this notebook yesterday while rummaging through the house. I’ve decided to try to write in it every day in part to retain some form of my sanity and also if anyone ever finds this after I’m gone it will prove that I survived… for a time at least.
Nothing much happened today, I’m gonna see if there’s anything good in the attic tomorrow.
Hopefully it rains tomorrow so I can collect some water and so I can see what kind of shape the house is in and if it leaks.
Well the attic was mostly a bust. Just some clothes and other thing who ever lived here didn’t think was important enough to take with them when they left. The worst part is that I can’t use any of it cause every member of the family that lived here was a much smaller person than me. I can at least use it to stop any drafts I find in the house.
I think I’m going to move myself into the attic It seems a little warmer which is good cause it’s gonna start getting cold soon and I think it will be a safer place to sleep. There are a lot more people around that I thought there would be, guess I’m not the only one who ignored the propaganda bullshit. “Nothing survives out there” I heard that 1 too many times, no one really survives in the city either they just keep you alive through forced labor…… that’s not surviving, that’s being kept alive.
I.Will.Survive……… I have to.
A year is a long time. Blistering cold, sweltering heat. We so rarely have good weather anymore. But this year has been one of the better. This ruin in which I have made my home has survived the worst of it. Unbeaten. Unbroken.
I found a flower today. A single flower in the centre of the Boneyard expanding eternally outward. Beautiful and delicate. What a site to behold in this malignant time. We'll keep it safe, nurture it. Perhaps it's a sign of changes in our soil. If it survives until next year then I will plant some of the seeds around it. They garden may yet take but I can't waste them.
It's hard to imagine the filth of the world finally washing away. After all this time. All this loss. All this death. Maybe we still have a chance...
Bah. A tired old woman's fantasies.
It's a heavy living out here in the Boneyard. Oppressive, like nothing that has ever come before it. I may be old, but Humanity is still young. We're infants on a galactic stage, marionettes playing our part. But not too young to die...
We probably deserved the Fall if I really consider it. There was always going to be consequences. There was so much waste, so much taken for granted. But this world, and life we've inherited after, that is our true punishment. We've been beaten back into the stone age. Even if there were enough of us left, it would take us ten thousand years to crawl our way out of the mud and filth, but that's nothing compared to the life of our little planet.
I tried to explain dinosaurs to my young charge today. He genuinely believes I'm exaggerating, or outright lying. I can't say that I blame him, he can barely imagine OUR world before, let alone a planet that has existed for millions, even billions of years. This isn't the first mass extinction and it won't be the last. Still, I'm doing my best to educate him. His reading and writing skills have come a long way. Mathematics as well. But abstract thinking is another matter entirely. Strange for someone so creative. He can mimic drawings, bird calls. But unless he experiences something himself, it does not exist.
Personally, I try not to imagine what comes next. I've no doubt the planet will recover, all it required was our absence. It has that now. But what will become of US? Not just people, but our history. We'd need hundreds to kick start a population, let alone begin to move forward and reclaim what was lost. I've only seen one other from before in all my years. One waking relic, taunted and trapped by destiny's burden upon him.
He was a profound teacher though. Much better than I. I'd love to have known him before. He claimed to have taught my mother, but I find that hard to believe considering my own age. That would make him well over one hundred years old at the time. Things may have changed for us, but judging by how I feel these days, our lifespans remain the same. So it can't be possible.
Unfortunately, I doubt I will ever see him again. He said he'd return but that seems unlikely considering how long it has been. Plus, even if the Fall extended his life, it obviously has not mine. When I die, the young one may be the only one left who can continue what he started...
I am old, and I am tired. Better not waste ALL the time I have writing in old books.
A child of Eve. That's what he called me, a god damned child of Eve. The audacity, after years of devout servitude. Why now is the more prominent question. Why has he returned to me after all these many years. Is it because I am obviously nearing the end of my life? Is it because I've failed him? Did I fail him? It's difficult to say. My role in all of this was never abundantly clear.
It wouldn't be as fatiguing if it were not for this blasted leg. I always dreamed as a young girl that I'd die in peace, comfort even. Instead I'm down in this filthy place. No sunlight, no starlight. Just the rotting stench of stagnant water, and this small fire kept alight by my ward.
I worry about him. What will he do once I'm gone? Will he leave this place, seek a life elsewhere. It's safe here, but I certainly would not call it pleasant. And the watchers area always out there. Waiting. Observing.
I am tired. I think I'll rest now.
Daphne died today. She told me to keep practicing in this fucking book. Don't know why I'm bothering anymore. She's dead, doesn't matter what she wants. I think I'll burn it. GOODBYE.
I am tired.
This damn thing won't burn. Bits and pieces here and there, but that's it. I can't get rid of it either. It's all I have now.
Why did you go and fall? I told you a thousand times to be careful of that hole. You're too heavy to carry out now. It's been a day and you already stink. But I can't just leave you here, and I can't burn you inside. The smoke would kill me.
Should I eat you? Is that what you would have wanted? You always said to be sensible about things like that. But you're not a dog. I'm so hungry though... I'll have to go look in the wilderness again. I'll try to stay close by, its cold out. Winter in the Boneyard is hard enough when you have food. At least I have this place to sleep in.
I am tired.
What if I just eat a leg, or a part of your side? That's not so wrong is it? You're not using your legs anymore. I have to decide soon or you'll make me sick. You'd want me to do it. I'd tell you to if you were me. You're just meat now.
I can't eat your face though. No no no no no. I like looking at your face, even though its all saggy now. It's a face.
But a leg. A leg is just meat.
I'm so hungry.
I am tired.
It's just meat. Just meat. JUST MEAT. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. It's just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. You're just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. It's just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat. Just meat.
I am tired.
Wish this thing was a cook book. Might make this easier. “Cooking for the Apocalypse”. Maybe that's what I'll write in here. Could draw pictures of the meals. You never know. “How to prepare roadkill”. “Eating rotten corpses”. Ha! Burn it all to a crisp and hope it doesn't kill you.
I am tired.
I've decided to start drawing. I'm not very good, but she always said she liked the drawings I did on the walls here. Plus it's good for maps and for passing time.
I don't know why she always kept track of time. What difference does it make. Everyday is the same. I wake up, I eat, I shit, I eat, I drink, I sleep. Over and over again.
Maybe that's why. Maybe it's to break up my days into something more manageable.
I need to make a new friend.
I am tired.
They came again last night. I think there were 6 of them. They're so quiet it's hard to tell and I can't see anything beyond my fire light. But with the Boneyard this quiet you can still tell when there's something out there. The peepers go silent and you can hear them walking. Breathing. And then the clicking sounds from all around.
I don't think they like the fire. Only one stepped into the light but backed off right away. I'll need to make a weapon that I can light up. There must be some gas inside somewhere. Just like everywhere else, there's lots of guns but no ammo. I should have listened more to Daphne when she was explaining how to make explosives. If I can kill one I bet I can eat it.
I wish I had a way to block off the opening. There's enough rubble but then I'd be trapped inside. Can't have that. Even the air in there is rotten.
I am Tired.
Didn't work. Rope broke. I'll have to make something stronger. I'm running out of time. Soon everything will be dead and I won't be able to make anything at all.
I am tired.
He came to me today out of the wilderness. A tall man, in a long coat. He had a scarf tied around his face. It was so odd. When I was young, everyone used to cover their faces with masks or cloth, but you seldom see that now.
He told me of the times before. Of cities filled with thousands, even millions of people. Of lights so bright that you couldn’t see the stars. Of giant flying machines that could take a man across the sea in a day. Can you imagine? Flying machines! We had lots of food then apparently. People used to throw it away. They didn’t eat the bones of animals or the stalks of fruit.
He gave me an apple. I’d never seen one before. He said I should eat it right there and then, and “rejoice in the brilliance and purity of the old, fore worse days are ahead.” He talks very strangely but I can’t help but listen. I ate it.
This ruin in which I've made my home, he told me it used to belong a wealthy man. I asked him what made the man wealthy, and he told me this man had piles, mountains of those little pieces of paper with pictures and numbers on them. The ones I used to wipe my ass! I laughed at this, but he did not find it funny. He said “The foil of man is in the mundane, blight and misfortune follow”. I don’t know what that means but I can’t get it out of my head.
I am tired.
Hard to believe I've been in this fucking place for nearly 2 years. Writing in this bloody book for half that. Something to do I guess. For a long time I was alone, but not anymore. He said he's going to stay. To “watch over his child”. HA! He's not my dad. Dad could never have survived what I did.
He does help though. Reminds me more of mom. He made a fire last night up on the roof. Said it was safer up there. Probably right. And you can see the road much clearer from there in case someone is coming, not that anyone does anymore.
I am tired.
I caught a rabbit! An adult rabbit, not one of the little ones. We made a fire and cooked it. It’s been so long since I had fresh meat. So much better than the rotten stuff in the woods. I offered him some, but he refused. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him eat.
He talks to the sky. For hours sometimes. He goes off alone but I can hear him. He says he can make it rain. I think he might just be crazy. But he’s good luck if this rabbit is any indication.
Plus, if things get bad again, I could always eat him…
I am tired.
We are out of water. There’s the stuff inside, but it smells like shit and piss. I saw a guy try the stuff once, was dead in a day. I’ll find another way. It always rains eventually.
I am tired.
I caved and drank from inside. The water was putrid, but my throat was so dry. I vomited almost immediately. I can’t keep anything down. Even grass and leaves. And when I try to eat them he calls me a dog. I remember dogs. Delicious, delicious dogs. He says we used to keep them as companions. As friends. How can you be friends with food?
I haven’t seen a dog in years. The last one was tiny, easy to kill, but chewy. He says there used to be bigger ones. He said there were animals you could ride on too, much bigger than dogs. If you have flying machines why would you ride on an animal? He doesn’t make sense sometimes, but at least he’s someone to talk to. I miss Dauphnee though.
I’m so thirsty. He said if I “Repent in the face of father time, and seek truth, the sky shall open and nourish thee”. He still thinks he can make it rain. Do it then. Bring the rain. Prove it.
I am tired.
My vision is so blurry, I can barely hold the marker to write this, but I could swear I saw him walking on the water inside. I must be going mad.
He talks and talks and talks. I can’t sleep he talks so much. It’s like there’s hundreds of him, screaming in my ears. His eyes are all I can see when I close mine. And the words he says…
Let there be no making of peace. Let there be no making of inexact science.”
When war, and thirst, and famine black out the sky, all shall reel before the gaping maw.”
When you waste in time, and fail in prophecy, may your sins be undone.”
I don’t know what any of it means. It just rings and rings and rings in my head. He won’t shut up. He won’t leave me alone. He stand s over me and I can’t fight him off. I’m too weak. Maybe he’s not even there. It must be all in my head. It has to be.
I think I am going to die.
I’m so fucking tired.
I was wrong. I was so wrong. He saved me. He said Ask child, and ye shall receive”. And I did and he saved me. I begged him to help me. I was so sick, I couldn’t stand. My clothes were covered in my own shit and filth. I couldn’t stop shaking even as I clung to his leg. Then he lifted his hands and looked up to the sky and brought down the rain. But it wasn’t rain. It was more. It washed it all away. It made me strong again.
And I can SEE!!! It’s like I couldn’t before, even before I was sick. But now the world is sharp and clear. The trees are greener, the sky is bright.
He’s different now too. Clean. Like he hasn’t been out here in the Boneyard for years like me. I don’t think he looked like that before, but I can’t be sure. His voice is younger too. More powerful. He used to sound like an old man but not now.
I just realized that I don’t know if I’ve ever seen his face. Just his eyes. He’s always wearing that damn scarf when we talk. I wonder if I could pull it off him. Better not try, he’s obviously magic or something. How else can you explain this. He
does take it off sometimes when he’s talking to the sky though. I can hear the difference in his voice. I’ll have to pay more attention. He obviously knows something I don’t about the world.
I asked him if he was a wizard, or an angel, or if he was even human. He laughed and asked me to go inside. That’s the first time I’ve heard him Laugh, I think. I crawled in and he was already there. I could’ve sworn he was behind me when
I climbed up.
He walked into the centre of the big room and said “So you think you found god, and that all of the company of heaven is open to you. I say to you now, sand will cover this place. Sand will cover you.”
I am awake.
The 1000th Day
On the one thousandth day, he said unto me “Let them come. Let them bring their retched hide upon the world. The Boneyard spares one. Not the wicked. Not the weary. Not the righteous. Not the damned. We shall ALL drown in dust.”
And I am awake.
The 1001st Day
On the one thousand and first day, they came. First one, then two, then four, then eight. On and on. Until there were millions of voices crying out for him. Through the throngs who clamoured for him, his eyes ripped into my soul and rendered me anew.
I asked him if this was the future, he said this was the past. I don't know what's happening to me.
But I AM awake.
A little sweat, another bullet clip
A flash of red, can you guess what we're playing
Righteous man, blood's all over your hands
Open you eyes and see here
It's far too late, and gone too far
no turning back, don't you waste your time praying
Stop the lies, wool all over your eyes
Is it all we'll ever be here
Its just our human nature
We wouldn't have it any other way
Don't blame the devil for what went wrong
Welcome to the boneyard baby
A child dies, a mother cries
World on fire, it's right there live streaming
It starts to show, we'll reap what we've sown
Open your eyes and see here
It's getting dark, it fall apart
The night's alive with the sound of men screaming
Righteous man, blood's all over your hands
Better you than me here
Open your eyes
The Eyes of the profit see all...
He can see me and I don't care.
Rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain.